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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24186676">Old Wounds, Not Forgotten</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/BatmanWhoLaughss/pseuds/BatmanWhoLaughss'>BatmanWhoLaughss</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Rebels, Star Wars: Rebellion Era - All Media Types, Star Wars: Rebels</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Clone Wars, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Hurt Kanan Jarrus, Hurt/Comfort, Kanan Jarrus Has PTSD, Kanan Jarrus Needs a Hug, Missing Scene, Post-Star Wars Rebels: The Siege of Lothal, Romance, Whump</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-03 00:07:39</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,700</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24186676</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/BatmanWhoLaughss/pseuds/BatmanWhoLaughss</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>“I survived one war. I’m not ready for another one. I saw what it did.”<br/>“To the Jedi?”<br/>“To everyone.” </p><p>After Lothal, Kanan struggles to separate past from present. Hera tries to help him steady himself.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Kanan Jarrus/Hera Syndulla</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>83</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Old Wounds, Not Forgotten</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I just finished the end of Rebels and WOW it broke me. I'm writing fics about Kanan to cope with my emotions because he might be my favorite character in all of Star Wars. Hope you like it!! Kudos/feedback is much appreciated.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Hera awoke in the middle of what felt like the first restful sleep she’d had in weeks. She rubbed at her bleary eyes, trying to figure out what had woken her- she wasn’t due up for another few hours yet. She stood up slowly, opening the door to her quarters and glancing around the hallway. She couldn’t place it, but she felt… off. On edge. Like something was wrong, creating a chill down the back of her spine that she couldn’t shake.</p><p>Hera wandered through the hallways, taking a moment to peek in on the kids and Zeb. All three were sound asleep, dead to the world. Nothing would wake those kids up short of gunfire. <em>So why does it still feel like something’s wrong? </em></p><p>She stopped when she got to Kanan’s door. He’d slept in his own quarters for the last couple cycles. He said it was because her bed was too small to fit both of them and it made his back hurt after a few days, but his smirk didn’t fool her; she could see in his eyes that something was still bothering him. She’d known he would bristle at the thought of joining the Rebellion full time, after the life he’d led, but he’d seemed fine once the mission was underway. <em>Hadn’t he?</em></p><p>She was poised to knock, when she froze at the sound of a moan coming from inside.</p><p>Hera’s system was on high alert now, anxiety coursing through her as she rushed in. Kanan was lying on his bunk, his head turning from side to side. She ran to his side in a heartbeat as small moans and whimpers escaped his clenched jaw. His skin was shining with sweat, and she could hear him mumbling something as his body trembled.</p><p>Hera wasn’t a stranger to Kanan’s nightmares. She knew his past still haunted him, as much as he tried to hide it behind the tough guy act. Since they’d gotten him back from Mustafar, they’d returned in force, though the past several rotations had been relatively peaceful.</p><p>She ran her hand through his hair, let loose and sticking to his damp forehead. Grabbing his other hand, she rested her forehead against his and murmured in his ear. “It’s okay, hon. You’re all right. I’m here.” She only ever called him that in extremely rare cases; Kanan let the pet name slip to her one day in their bed, and in the dark with him, she discovered how much she liked it. “You’re safe.”</p><p>He was still moaning softly in his sleep, his head twisting from side to side and his hand tightening it’s grip in her own. Hera wasn’t Force sensitive, but she could still feel the subtle way the air crackled around the room, and she knew this had to be pretty bad for the Force to be coalescing around him like this.</p><p>She shook him gently, trying to pry him out of whatever hole he’d dug himself into inside his head, when he suddenly went rigid underneath her, his whole body freezing up before he sat bolt upright.</p><p>“Master!” He opened his eyes and looked frantically around the room, trying to get his bearings. His breaths were coming in labored pants, his eyes wild and panicked, and Hera felt her heart pound against her chest at the sight. Kanan Jarrus was the strongest person she knew, but seeing him like this, in the throes of whatever demons he was fighting, was never something she could get used to.</p><p>It was a second or two before his eyes settled on Hera. She squeezed his hand softly, and she could see some of the panic seep out of his eyes, replaced with confusion. She smoothed his hair back from his sweat-slick forehead. “Easy, love. I’m right here. Come back to me.”</p><p>Kanan’s breathing began to even out slowly, but she could still see him trembling. Hera kept hold of his hand, not saying anything and moving to sit on the bed next to him. He kept his eyes locked on hers as his shaking body began to still, and when he smiled at her slowly, she felt her own anxiety quell just a bit.</p><p>“The Purge?” He nodded at her, seemingly not trusting his voice yet. “You haven’t had that dream in months…” Concern laced her voice. She expected memories of Mustafar, but this? This scared her. She’d been looking after him for so many years now, just like he’d been watching her back, but every time he got stuck back there in his Jedi past, she felt powerless to help him.</p><p>With a jolt, Hera remembered their conversation from before the Lothal mission. <em>I survived one war. I’m not ready for another one. I saw what it did. </em></p><p>He looked away from her, staring at their joined hands, and rubbed the back of his neck. His tell, she knew, for when he was starting to shut down, to close himself off again. <em>Nope, none of that.</em> Gently, she guided his face back to look at her, tilting his chin up so he met her eyes. “Hey,” she murmured. “Talk to me. <em>Really </em>talk to me.”</p><p>Kanan sighed, waiting a few minutes before speaking. Hera kept looking at him, her own mind on edge.</p><p>“I’m not ready, Hera,” he eventually muttered, his head dropping low in defeat. “I’ll never be ready.” His voice was barely above a whisper, but she heard the tremor in it all the same.</p><p>“Ready for what?” She tried to keep her own voice steady.</p><p>Kanan looked up at her again, and Hera was startled to see his eyes were shining with unshed tears. “For the front lines.”</p><p>Her breath caught in her throat. She nodded at him, sensing there was something more.</p><p>“I failed, the last time. We were in command, and I <em>ran, </em>while they… when it happened<em>. </em>Part of me never <em>stopped</em> running. I don’t know if I can.” He was trembling again, Hera noticed. She let go of his hand to wrap an arm around his shoulders, guiding his head onto her shoulder. He went willingly, surprisingly, as he spoke once more. “I’ve been avoiding war since I was fourteen. The death, the danger… I don’t know if I can do that again.” Hera was startled to hear his voice break, as she felt a couple drops land on her shoulder.</p><p>“Kanan.” Her voice was soft, as she reached with her other hand to twist their fingers together. She hadn’t seen him this open, this vulnerable in a <em>long</em> time, and she knew this wasn’t a wound she could fix overnight. But she could try. “The war is here, whether we want to fight it or not. Even if we tried to run, it would find us wherever we went. You know that.”</p><p>He sighed. “I know.” His voice was still trembling, but it didn’t sound quite so breakable. <em>Progress.</em></p><p>“I know you, Kanan. I know you’re the strongest, bravest, most stubborn idiot I’ve ever met, and I know that the Rebellion needs us. I know you think you failed, but you were a <em>child</em>, love. You did the only thing you could do.” She pressed her lips to his forehead softly. “And now you have a chance to help <em>everyone.</em> The Empire ended your war on their terms. Now it’s time for you to fight this one on yours.”</p><p>She could feel, rather than see, when her words began to get through to him. He lifted his head from her shoulder, squeezing her hand as he looked her in the eye again. “I was a coward, Hera. And now? I’m afraid again. I never stopped being a coward.” There was a bitter, self-depreciating edge to his voice that she <em>really</em> didn’t like. She didn’t know whether to hit him or hug him—either approach seemed plausible right about now. She settled on somewhere in the middle.</p><p>“Kanan Jarrus, that’s a lie and you know it. Survival doesn’t make you a coward.” She cupped his face, trying to will her words to get through whatever fog of memory was clouding his judgement. He could never see himself the way others did, not ever. “It’s normal to be afraid, even for Jedi.” Her voice was softer now. “Don’t you always say that the key isn’t the absence of fear, but the strength to rise above it?”</p><p>“Twisting my words now?” He was smiling slightly, and Hera could see some spark back in those blue eyes of his. The lump of anxiety that had been lodged in her chest since he found him asleep began to uncurl at the sight.</p><p>“Karabast, you make it hard to be nice to you sometimes.” She smiled back at him. “The fear won’t last forever. We’ll figure this out. I know we will.”</p><p>Kanan’s smile grew, until the haunted look vanished almost completely from his face. He leaned forward, pressing his lips to hers softly and pulling her closer to his body. For a moment, it was just the two of them in the dark, the rest of the world fading away like it always did when she was kissing him. He pulled away too soon, resting his forehead against hers, eyes closed. “You’re wrong about one thing.”</p><p>“Oh?” Hera chuckled.</p><p>“They need <em>you. </em>Not us. You’re the ace around here.”</p><p>“And I need you,” she said, in a voice deadly serious. “I’m not doing this without you, Kanan Jarrus.”</p><p>He opened his eyes. “You won’t have to.”</p><p>As he pulled her closer again, Hera knew this wouldn’t be the last time they’d have this talk. She knew Kanan would struggle, as the war escalated and he saw more and more of his past come back to haunt him. She knew she would have to pull him back from the brink on occasions like this, but she didn’t care. She never had, not really. To keep Kanan, she’d go to the ends of the galaxy—hell, the end of the <em>universe. </em>Even if she wasn’t ready to tell him so yet, she knew she loved him, and she knew he loved her. And keeping him steady was the least she could do.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>By the way- I recently started cross posting my fics to tumblr. You can find me there at https://batmanwholaughss.tumblr.com/.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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